lxforever

“I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map / and knew that somehow I could find my way back / then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too / so I stayed in the darkness with you

—Florence and the Machine

2009 is over!

I never thought I’d be happy to see a nine go.

I mean, duh, but that’s become more and more apparent every day. Thank the heavens. If only I’d been born on 1/1/80, then I could also have my life-decade zeroes coincide with the year-decade zeroes. That’s fine, though; it seems that more or less that whole decade was a good package unto itself. And now to move on!

That made no sense, sorry.

Anyway. I had an amazing weekend and so I feel the need to document it, even though it’s already Tuesday.

FRIDAY: Had to be in early for the employment #s, so I grabbed some Caribou oatmeal (my latest luxury addiction, if you can call it luxe) and slid through the snow into work. That meant, however, that I got to leave early, and at the end of the day I headed over to Edison to do some coaching/gymnastics-watching/hanging out. ALWAYS a good time, and I always learn something. What a great group of girls with a super coach.

I then went home for a LateNightSkateDate with Jeff. I thought the snowy flutteriness would dissuade our skating, but no fear! We had some snacks and headed on over to Pearl Park. I found my favorite pair of loaner hockey skates and broke out the tricks….well, I tried; Jeff really did break out the tricks, he’s such a pro. We worked on my balance and circles and skating backwards amidst the crazy kids / under the bright night lights / through the bit of snow on the ice, and I had some HOT cocoa.

We then made our way to Longfellow Grill for their awesome late night happy hour and piping hot diner food. After a parking fiasco, we enjoyed pierogies and drink specials (Tequila Mockingbird, yes!) and then some very yummy, very calorie-y dinners. I love that place. Then home to an early-ish bedtime - skating can really wipe you out!

SATURDAY: Thanks to our early-to-bed-ness, we woke up well rested and at the same time, instead of me sneaking out of bed early, for once. We took our time getting up, reading and messing with our various electronic accessories (Touch, Wii, DS - it’s ridiculous at our house right now), and then finally got it together and went to the gym. A bit of an extra long workout with not too many Saturday gym freaks was divine. Back home to shower up, eat some eggs, and complete Saturday errands and tasks. Jeff did the grocery shopping while I enjoyed coffee and jellybeans and almost finished my book (Handle With Care, Jodi Picoult - I’m kind of addicted to her, and what a great but sad read that was indeed). (COFFEE! Black DD coffee [brewed at home - we don’t have DD here, people!] is my new fave, or sometimes with cinnamon. Who knew I’d become a coffee addict? Not me. Dangit! Anyway.)

Finally I felt guilted into starting our taxes, and that I did, after helping Jeff put away groceries. I do like doing taxes, except for when I got to the end of ours this year. Argh. (Suffice it to say I was expecting a refund and not a significant pay-in. Oh Well.) I promptly had a freak out and rushed off to pick Diana up to hit up the UMN gymnastics meet. It was best of MN. We were a little bit late due to my freak-out, but luckily Brandon had saved us seats. (Super crowded - it was Girl Scout night or something.) It was delightful to hang with D and Brandon and enjoy a VARIETY of gymnastics skills as well (yay for four teams and DIII AND DI at the same time). The gymnastics meet/seeing Diana was completely necessary as it distracted me from my tax freak-out. Thank GOODNESS.

Back home to find Jeff finishing up his version of our taxes in TurboTax. Turns out I am not a tax genius (note: I still think I am), but I don’t think TT is either. Enough! But, things were significantly better either way and so I felt good. We Hung Out for awhile longer and then to bed.

SUNDAY: I woke up super early (well, not super, but for going to bed at midnight/it being a weekend/me not having obligations, early) and expected to fall back asleep. However, I got very distracted by my book, and spent the next two and a half hours reading and finishing it. Ahhh! I hate when I finish a good book, because then I feel lost until the next one, but WCYD. I can’t make it stop! Anyway. It was sooooooooo wonderful to be cozy in bed just reading. What a ridiculously nice life I have. Just about the time I finished the book, Jeff woke up and we got started on our day. I played a little Wii and worked on Valentines and perused the paper. I’m not sure what Jeff did, ha, whoops. Well, we were Hanging OUT!

I then decided to (finally! I’d been meaning to for awhile) go for a swim, and peeled on my swimsuit and drove up to the U. It was truly meant to be - I found a FREE parking spot just a block from the Nat (note, NEVER HAPPENS) that someone was JUST pulling out of, then I got in the Rec center for FREE somehow. THEN, I got to share a giant lane in the Nat and watch some open diving (I’ll have to do that next time!), and THEN they moved us to creepy Cooke 15, which I actually kind of like, and then I got the lane to myself up there, since fewer people wanted to move. Woo hoo! (Hey, it doesn’t take much.) Swimming is so peaceful and wonderful. I <3 it. Need to do more of that. Showered and headed back home where we made up some pizzas and cookies and watched the Superbowl together - well, really the commercials and The Who. I think the Vikes not making it made it tough on some superfans (not me, but others). We had a little Hanging Out/watching stuff party! Yay. Then to bed at a decent time to cap off a wonderful weekend indeed. Yay for Feb.

OK gtg, Jeff is picking me up, but this weekend I am off to SF! Does it get any better? No! Later (l8r).

“I am on an epic journey.”

—Jeff, 1/17/10, while playing Zelda on the DS

I had a very nice weekend, especially for January, so I feel the need to document it. EOTD/W, as Michael would say.

The weekend began when I bugged out of work and headed over to Bulldog NE to meet up with Dave and Jeff for postwork/pre-hockey game (them, UMN vs. UND, part of my b-day gift to Jeff…I just went home!) drinks and food. Love Bulldog…finally had those awesome wonton things. (Hmmm, now that I think about it, my weekend could have technically began with pizza + pop with Anna and her sis for lunch on Friday. That too! Anyway.) Fun to see Dave as always, and of course, JEFF THE BEST! YEAH! I then headed home to start laundry, lesson plan, and watch mindless TV on the internet. Something about having the house to myself on Friday nights when I know Jeff is out having fun is superb, for realz! Very nice.

I woke up early both Saturday and Sunday, and I’m convinced that this makes for a good weekend - unless I’m going out (very rare, and I could take a nap then), there’s no big reason to stay up late, and getting up early ensures I enjoy the full weekend. (See: Calvin of Calvin + Hobbes on Saturdays.) Anyway. Got up early and went to the gym to lift, beating the totally crazy rush for once. Saturdays at the gym have become insane! I then treated myself to Caribou’s new oatmeal, which I know I could totally make on my own but is quite nice to have someone else do it, and get some coffee with it, too. I’m a sucker for the small things, ha.

Came home and did some random chores, INCLUDING cleaning the kitchen like crazy, AND the bathroom, which I’ve been meaning to do for awhile, and laundry etc., while Jeff got up and went to the gym. Upon his return we went ice skating at Pearl!! I borrowed hockey skates - a little too small, but they worked, I think I’m actually a 5 and not a 4 in men’s skates - and off we went! Hockey skates are so weird and they take some getting used to, but it’s worth it, because Jeff can teach me things! It was kind of an intense little workout, and after an hour on the ice I was tuckered out. We came home and were both totally womped - getting over colds still. Came home and sat in the big chair reading my book about the US after an EMP attack and eating candy while Jeff did the grocery shopping and then we just gave it up for the night….stayed in, watched shows and hockey and ate grilled cheese. I fell asleep at 9:30…pathetic/awesome for sure! We were just totally wiped out from the skating, gym, colds, etc. It kind of felt good to be exhausted though, weird but true.

Today I got up early again and went to church - shocker I know, but I really like this church I’ve found - then came home and worked on my recipe organization project and got ready for the Gooch. Erik came over and then they convinced Jack to stop by, too, while I was on the phone with Jenny talking about cars. It’s kind of exciting that she’s getting a car, not that it affects me in any way, but, ha! Chatted with her for some good time then watched the Vikes (”watched”) with the boys. Crazy game, I thought they would win, but did not expect a blowout. Yikes. Of course now everyone in this city is going nuts. Um, Saints? HELLO! Anyway. I then showed off my Wii Sports Resort skillz (such an archery pro if I say so myself) and we all played for awhile, then I read the paper and ate jellybeans. Erik eventually left and Jeff and I settled in to hang out (him playing DS, me on my computer - seriously, little screens aren’t the only things in our lives, right??), and then I wrote this.

Tomorrow I will probably get up and go to the gym with Jeff, then go hang out with the Edison team for awhile, then maybe get some coffee and work on Valentines. A nice day off! I also want to bake something, perhaps I shall now. Next weekend Iowa, then Madison. Lots going on, but all fun stuff. Happy MLK jr. day to all!

“How old do you think you are in heaven? / I think you’re the age that you are just before you go to school, whatever age that is… / when you’re at home with your mother all day and she just takes care of you. // I remember my mother, she would cut the thinnest slices of apple and it would just melt in my mouth…”

—Leroy Mason, June 2009

“…Last thing I remember / things were getting better / and I’d go anywhere with you.”

—Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson

“I am dominating shit. I am DOMINATING! Today is a good day for me being a MAN. It really is!!!”

—Jeff Akervik, 12/31/09, 1:43 am

Letter (joking as always) from Leroy, 2000

I don’t want to make this one too devoted to the decade, because I can hardly sum up a decade when I started it off in high school yet, but there are a few things I’d like to point out.

First, two articles that kind of made me go, “Huh. Yeah. Good point. Damn it.”
Tiger Woods, Person of the Year (AKA The Great Bamboozle)
The Big Zero. (I know, I know, but don’t worry, I’m not too into Krugman’s Kool-aid, seriously)

Second, Y2K and remembering that. Really, I was a senior in HS 10 years ago? Yikes. But I remember it well. Tons and tons of Jello, traveling party (starting at Andrea’s and ending at good ol’ 6733 with games in the basement and shorter-than-me friends in the living room), random fire / fireworks at Picnic Point, nothing big happening in the world at large as far as technical fears go (other than the blinking stoplights Sharan and I drove by) but lots going on in my very not-at-large HS life that I won’t get into but you can probably guess. It was a pretty pivotal NYE/NYD, and pretty swell at that, and it’s pretty cool to have started out a new year/decade/millennium in that kind of memorably remarkable way at least once in my life.

(Not that I intend to make it to the next millennium or anything.)

This will be a swell NYE in itself in that I have many of the things

Third, I can’t imagine another decade that involves so many crazy swings and changes - I mean, really, can you imagine the teens ending in as different a manner from their start as did the zeroes? HS to college to ‘adulthood’ and all of that? Yeah, no. But I’d wager that if any decade can come close, it’ll be this next one. Or something.

So, … back to matters at hand. 2009!!!

Year In Review

I think it’s being said pretty much everywhere, but 2009 was not the best by any stretch, and that turned out to be true for me in some ways as well. However, a lot of the things that I’ve let become so anxiety-inducing and up-in-the-air are on some kind of path, however obscure, towards being revealed (or so I hope), so I’m pretty optimistic about what lies ahead. (And what lies within. Or so I keep telling myself and hoping and wishing. This is the goal….always the goal.)

And also, it’s pretty dang hard to top 2008, which was completely amazing in almost every way - which of course only served to magnify the faults of 2009. OK, enough disclaimers (for now!). Let’s try to start positively here.

HIGHLIGHTS OF 2009:
(1) Getting to be with my family so much when it mattered the most; seeing how important life is to someone and how such a full life can be something of a miracle. Obviously the biggest non-highlight was my Grandpa’s death, but just being there and seeing how incredible it can be for my family to come together and support him and one another—and gathering around and hearing his stories, and seeing him cling to life so fiercely—was very powerful and something I will never forget.

(2) Magical baby Mason. He is the cutest little nephew anyone could ever ask for, and I am even more honored to be one of his Godmothers. Somehow being that to someone so precious makes me feel a little more responsible for how I view my faith/spirituality, and so highlight (2b) of the year has to be whatever forces collided to bring me back to something of that sort. Still not sure what that is, but it works for me. OK, that’s enough of that. Another highlight to this one (2c?) is of course little baby Laura. She’s such a tiny cutie and it is nice to have her and the Bauers ’round town. (We will get together soon, I hope! I’ll work on that.)

(3) Health! Duh! I’m grateful for that every day that I walk, run, swim, skip, do gymnastics, do a handstand, dance around, whatever. Seeing health taken away from people makes me that much more grateful for my fortune in this arena. I do what I can, but so much of it is luck.

(4) Gymnastics! I made a comeback this year, but in a different way. Sure, I did the Gleason’s meet in May, and did some things that made me pretty proud, and I’m still hoping to continue seeing what I can do, perhaps. But I’m talking about coaching. I’m not sure what inspired me, but I called around and landed myself a little coaching gig at a park near my house. This led to applying for a HS coaching gig, which I didn’t get, which is probably GOOD (remember, I’m trying to be sane!), but thanks to a very generous someone, I got to volunteer coach for a Minneapolis HS team instead, at my leisure. But I’m really excited about this new class, teaching something I love in a non-club/non-suburban setting, working with kids again and figuring it all out. And many thanks to the previously mentioned kind someone for showing me the ropes, too. COACHING! WHY did I ever quit??? (This may be another piece of the puzzle. We’ll see.)

(5) LAX. Not L.A., but LaCrosse. I spent a weekend there for my cousin Lisa’s graduation from nursing school (GO SLICKERY) and for Mother’s Day with my mom, which was absolutely perfect. I wouldn’t trade that one-on-one time for anything. It was a very nice weekend.

(6) I got a job with a great boss and a fair amount of security for the time being, at a place that does stuff I’m interested in. Tough to do sometimes, and good for my level of insanity in ways. I’m trying to calm down.

(7) I finally gave blood. And it was totally fine (although my seemingly neverending appetite increased tremendously because of it). Go Me. I should do it again soon, too.

(8) Family and Friends. Internet and real-life! Close and far away! Old and new! I am blessed (blessed?!) with a bevy of wonderful people in my life, family and friends alike, that make every day full of fun, support, caring, memories. Too much love.

(9) Jeff. Duh. He is my constant, my light, my rock, my guiding star throughout all of the drama I put myself through. He believes that I can do anything and only hopes that I can start to see the same, too; and he’ll support me however I need it to get there. Every day I am reminded of how lucky I am to be married to him and have him in my life. He is amazing!
Gushing aside, highlight 9b is of course celebrating our first anniversary. Another sunny November 1st at the SPSC. Here’s to many, many more!!

Well damn. 2009 looks like a pretty swell year. So what’s all the whining about? Trust me, very little of it can outweigh the positives. But it still remains. Here goes…

NON-HIGHLIGHTS OF 2009:
(1) LeRoy the Great passing on. Still miss him. And of course I’m not alone. What a force. I know it is hard for all of us, but for my Grandma especially (of course) it’s so tough. I think of her often and send her my love.

(2) Leaving HITF. God, that sucked, and still does. I can’t really explain other than it still amazes me how many good people I met there, how lucky I was to be there with them, and how much of an impact said people had.

(3) The economy in general, and the people it affected in particular, especially those close to me. The sadness that no one really winds up paying for this other than those who weren’t really messing around to begin with. Those who suffered as a result. The whole giant shebang, really. What a scam.

(4) Personal struggles that I’m still dealing with and navigating around. Like I said, I have a good life, so it’s nothing insurmountable or really that crazy, but let’s just say things were a lot rougher in 2009 than I expected them to be, and while it’s all on the upswing, it’s still a struggle. Bleah. I just don’t know. Lucky for me to have the friends and family that I do to make my way through it.

I think I’ll stop there, because #1 is plenty on its own. And, important disclaimer: despite crabby that list was in ways, I know that I have a fantastic life and world and gifts and everything compared to so, so, so many others. I continue to be an extremely fortunate (and just plain lucky) person and I hope to never lose sight of that fact. So much gratitude and thankfulness.

So, that was that - 2009, the year of the 9, no match for its predecessor 08, of the horrible 8s, and so my faith in numbers is a little jaded.

AND SO! 2010:

Thoughts / ideas / percolations / hopes / resolutions? for 2010:

coach! This I am already slated to do, starting Monday.

write something a little more substantial, i.e., not on the internet.

draw! I have a few thoughts on this, too.

relearn calculus? maybe? just to see?

other things….the worrying….the up-in-the-air….but that’s not really a goal, just a process, and I’m already working on it

try to do what I want and stop worrying about the rest. See above.

um, how about a health goal…maybe a 5k in under 25 minutes? A triathlon? BHS or aerial on high beam? All or none? We’ll see. I guess, just keep staying healthy.

Have fun!!! Always a good goal….my 3rd-grade life philosophy!

Happy New Decade and Binary New Year to you and yours, and may 2010 be merry and bright!!!

“…And this is how I see you / in the snow on Christmas morning / love and happiness surround you / as you throw your arms up to the sky / I keep this moment by and by”

—Sarah McLachlan

“Each winter as the year grows older / we each grow older too / the chill sets in a little colder / the verities we knew / seem shaken and untrue // …Yet I believe beyond believing / that life can spring from death / that growth can flower from our grieving / that we can catch our breath / and turn transfixed by faith”

—William and Annabeth Gay

“And all around / reminders of you / are everywhere I go…”

Ahh, the Christmas Eve update. Even as lxforever seems to falter, you can always (almost always?) count on the C-mas Eve update, circa 1998. Yes!

I write this one from bed in my old room in Madison. Jeff is next to me playing Zelda on the DS (that DS is pretty sweet, I must admit), my Dad’s snoring away I’m sure, my Mom is still in the kitchen putting together some food while Jenny keeps her company watching Bing Crosby. We just finished a marathon session of games—almost five hours, maybe?—that started with BS/I Doubt It and ended with massive old-school Trivial Pursuit madness. Sometimes I really can’t believe how much fun I have with my family. We just couldn’t stop laughing.

There’s more I could write or want to say than what I will, but some of this stuff just isn’t suited for random publication any longer. Ha! But I think the two quotes above kind of do it for me, and not just in the obvious ways. You know it’s been a little bit of a rough kind of a year, and not the one I was expecting in some ways, but everywhere I go I’m so grateful—so lucky—for what and WHO I have, or have had—either way. Thank you.

So here’s to a most wonderful Christmas eve and day, with loved ones or with thoughts of loved ones (LeRoy for many of us Masons, I’m sure) …however you can swing it, wherever they may be. And to those lacking this fortune of sorts, that things may turn around soon. I’m cozy and well-fed, laying here listening to the wind wail outside while my dear love turns to me and says that there’s nowhere else he’d rather be right now—just as long as he’s with me. Pretty much the best. Good night.

“Yet I believe beyond believing / that life can spring from death / that growth can flower from our grieving / that we can catch our breath / and turn transfixed by faith.”

lxforever.com!
You used to be the bomb!
Now you’re so bleak,
it’s coming off as weak,
bomb-ba-bombombombomb!

Wow, that was sad. I’ll make up for it with this quote from Jeff:

“I have too many words in my head, I can’t spell them all.”

Wow, again.

I am editing his blog post and thus must sign off. But like Ahhhnohld, I’ll be bahhhck. I have much on my mind and don’t think you’ll be spared my rambling nonsense. Indeed!

“When your life is still a riddle and you’re trapped in the middle of a rock / and a hard place // … // You’ve nothing to lose / you roll the dice // They’ll never understand…”

—Supreme Beings of Leisure

“There’s a she-wolf in your closet / let it out so it can breathe”

—Shakira

Because nothing will ever be enough. You’ll get an 8.0, you’ll want a 9.0. Then you’ll want a 10.0. You’ll get a 99, you’ll want a 100. You’ll graduate at the top and want a Master’s; you’ll get a Master’s and want a PhD; you’ll get a PhD and it still won’t be enough because you haven’t written enough, done enough, published enough. You haven’t won enough. You’ll be able to lift more, pull more, do more, and you’ll want to be stronger yet. You’ll be able to run farther, run faster, run longer, and you’ll want to still best that. You’ll earn success and accolades and red ribbons and still want more, bluer, better.

You’ll have a wonderful family and friends and wonder if you give them enough. You’ll have a fantasylike childhood and wonder why that wasn’t enough. You’ll have incredible health and try not to forget that that’s enough.

You’ll get a job and find out you can do it well and then you’ll want to move up, move on. You’ll get a house and want it to last; you’ll get a husband and want a family. You’ll get a compliment, or many, a pat on the back, or many, and friends and secrets and shared surprises and people laughing at your jokes and it still won’t be enough.

But maybe—just maybe—some of these things can be.

And sometimes you’ll find yourself unfurled and uncertain. You’ll piece it all together and start to realize that the floor is starting to go beneath you, that you’re on a sinking ship and even as friends are cut loose or set free, the ship still sinks and you have no choice but to jump, and you all end up scattered across the city. You’ll realize that leaving a job can sometimes be like a breakup—one of those ones where you know the relationship isn’t good for you, but you can’t help but love it no matter what. And so you wrongfully, nostalgically, wonderfully crystallize every instant into perfection.

It won’t be enough, and you’ll always wonder, and you’ll always remember, but maybe, just maybe, some of these things can be; and maybe, just maybe, this striving isn’t so bad after all. Maybe you have all of these glass balls and you should be happy. Maybe you should stop judging everyone, but most importantly, yourself. And maybe the striving is, somehow, surprisingly, something good.

I’m obsessed with Solitaire because of how it unfolds. The possibility of a newly turned-over card revealing exactly how all of the pieces will fall into the right place; the dependability of the predictable, precise patterns that emerge at every turn; the option of having a do-over when I realize how I screwed up, whether it be one or twelve moves ago. The blur of concentration that eliminates all other thoughts and worries and wonders while the eye scans the table for the next clear match. The satisfaction when things work out well, and the cards jump neatly into position for the win. And of course, the ability to quit the entire shebang and get a whole damn new deal whenever things are not happening to work themselves out that time. Yes, that too.

I think I’m addicted to Solitaire these days because I wish it could be my life.

Happy anniversary—one year, so fast. To the light of my life who became my husband on this day just a mere year ago…I love you.

Happy All Saints’ Day—4+ months, too long. To the dear old man of whom this song always reminds me now…I miss you.

“We’ve only just begun…”

…I wanna be famous…

…I’ll be stable…

…There’s a lot I want to do…

Oh, and ‘Grow up sounds like throw up’? Who said that? Recently?

…

As usual, my cousin Trike’s life and thinking and whatever you call it follows (leads? yes) my own. He writes it better than I can, and writes what I’m thinking before I even realize I’m thinking it. Creepy. And useful. And eye opening. Trike is my Fake Internet Therapist, and he doesn’t even know it.

From his blog:

“You know what I realized just moments ago? You see I was sitting around painting kabuki masks and listening to Fiery Furnaces, and I ask myself ‘What have I learned this year? What was the point of this year?’ Nothing was really coming to me, but then it hit me….I learned that THIS is what life is. Up until now I’ve spent a long time waiting for life to reveal its secrets to me and to experience the completeness and reality of adulthood. This is it. There’s no fucking red ribbon to cut with a golden scissors. There’s no sudden transfer of knowledge and understanding from the heavens to my brain. There’s no security or certainty. This is just it.

…[*note: there’s more, but I don’t want to steal it all]…

The short version is this:

The life I’m living currently is my adult life. There’s no more initiation I have to pass to become an adult. The only way may life is going to change at this point is going to be if I make a choice to change it, or if it’s changed by the hand of fate. There’s no more simple track that I’m on where I will naturally progress at regular intervals. One could argue that this has been the case since I graduated, but this year I really feel like it’s for sure.”

No fucking kidding. Welcome to my 2009.

I believe I’ve done this before but Oh Well.

decisive, fearless, planner, thrill seeker, engaged, social, self centered, comfortable around others, image conscious, likes to be center of attention, adventurous, outgoing, manipulative, emotionally stable, leader, ambitious, hard working, dominant, prepared, hates to be bored, confident, opinionated, analytical, prepares for worst case scenarios, organized, orderly, clean, driven, resourceful, finishes most things they start, achieving, risk taker, desires fame/acclaim, image focused, narcissistic, arrogant, perfectionist, driven, academic, scientific, critical, avoids giving in to others, does not like to compromise, skeptical

from here.

“ENTJ children need to have goals for everything. These goals may be related to achievements such as swimming the fifty-yard freestyle on second faster than they did the previous year, getting a straight-A report card, or winning the school math contest. They seek power and control. They want to have an impact. Because of their desire to take charge, they are often leaders.

In mature adulthood, ENTJs are often in leadership positions in their work organizations. They go after what they want with fusto. They set their sights high and work hard. Work and its related activities may become their lives. They may find retirement unsettling, boring, and difficult because it may bring with it a loss of the power that they had during their working years. Often they make arrangements so that they do not have to retire.”

from here. I believe they meant ‘gusto’.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a fake ENTJ.