"But I knew exactly where I was / And I knew the meaning of it all / And I knew the distance to the sun / And I knew the echo that is love / And I knew the secrets in your spires / And I knew the emptiness of youth / And I knew the solitude of heart / And I knew the murmurs of the soul / And the world is drawn into your hands / And the world is etched upon your heart / And the world so hard to understand / Is the world you can't live without"
---Smashing Pumpkins, Muzzle
January 5, 2004
And then I started to cry. It had been building up all day, all night, every time I tried to push it back or ignore or look away. I tried to run it away, I tried to busy myself from it all, I tried to eat, to sleep, to not sleep, to read, to hurry, to chatter, to breathe, to push it all away. But sometimes something you don't even know is staring you in the face and all it wants is for you to cry. And you don't even know why.
This is why I hate winter, this is why I can't stand this break! Friend accusing me of ignoring them doesn't help, nor do other various factors. I hate when everything closes in, I hate when I panic like this, I want it to go away and stop stop STOP! "Shut up shut up shut UP!" I wrote that random day in July. In so many ways I am so lucky; so why can't I see my life for what it is? I'm sick of it, I'm sick of caring about myself so much that I let this stuff get to me. It doesn't matter! None of it matters! There are so many worse things that people go through and worse days that people see. I am so lucky, and this is what matters.
AGH. STOP!! I keep looking for what might help, but oddly enough I feel much better after that short cry. I am off to practice to see what more is out there.
This Burning To Release
time
4:31 pm
feeling
released
ready for
no more winter!
next
practice, if I can make it
Just don't think that these
answers will present
themselves immediately and will remain so for the rest of
your life. You are
constantly changing and this is most certainly a good thing... Make
your life what you want it to be, but have the patience to
see it through
because nothing happens overnight...you should know this by
now.