"Little streams of consciousness, they tumble over rocks they kiss / Unafraid of who they are / Of what will happen next // And the love you once thought long faded out of view / was there all along and in ways you never knew / they were there all along and right in front of you / and look at you now you're flying...too"
—First-Time Mother's Joy (Flying), Mercury Rev (whoever they are!)
"My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away / but every now and then you come to mind / cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game / but when your name was called, you found a place to hide / when you knew that I was always on your side / ... "
—First-Time Always On Your Side, Sheryl Crow
"My vision started to be clear / I watched the sunlight coming near / I knew the day I knew the night / I knew Icould regain my sight"
—Naked Eye, Luscious Jackson
February 3, 2006
High Flying
time 10:33 am feeling great wearing blue ae soft hoodie from mom, gaygaygay rainbow socks yay! music RP reading My Cousin Leonard from Sarah ready for snacks! next back to the cd attack...or whatever that means
I am feeling really good lately. Like really really good. Like better than I have in a long time. It's really weird. I have no idea if it's turning 24, the new year of 2006, our trip having revived me (still have to update! argh!), or what, but it's pretty freaking amazing. Now it had just better stick.
I really don't feel like the lyrics posted above, either; I just heard those songs today and had to put them down somewhere. Yes, it's true. I have a couple of secret music obsessions that are somewhat humiliating. Sheryl Crow and Will Smith (who I also think is a total hottie, haha I can't believe I wrote that!!!). I didn't know she had a new CD out. Clearly I must DL it ASAP.
Well the last one I guess I feel like, but that's because I am ALWAYS in touch with Luscious Jackson. Seriously how cool is a band that invites the lead singer of ANOTHER one of my favorite bands (Blondie) to guest star? Seriously.
Sharan complained about my site hurting his eyes, to that I have to say, get yer ass a better monitor, YO! Naw just kidding, but I should fix it. I'm just into grays right now...apparently.
Anyway so back to my invincibility. Wow this is a terrible update. I've just been feeling lately like I can do anything. It's a really weird point in my life, now that I think about it, a point at which society tends to assume you are at when much younger, but in reality I've found (much to my comfort) that there are plenty of other 20-youngish-somethings feeling totally confused and somehow letdown by the end of college and beginning of adulthood.
(Now I'm getting off track. Someone take the meth away from me. Ha! OK that isn't funny to joke about, what with Jodie Sweetin and all (just kidding, kind of). But seriously, doesn't a sense of empowerment and invincibility accompany that? What exactly was IN my smoothie this morning?)
I've always had things I've known I was good at and could do. Math. Programming (to an extent). Designing. Being efficient (is that even a skill?). Remembering ALL KINDS OF inane things (which = kicking ass on tests whether or not I should have). Teaching/talking/whatever it is. Being good with kids. Creating, making things up, drawing, whatever. You get the drift.
But I've also always held--and STILL DO hold--this fear that regardless of these skillZ, I'm set up to fail, to be ordinary despite the luck and gifts I've been given (no shit). (And not that there's anything wrong with ordinary--which may be what I end up being--and that's fine--but that's a whole other update.) That there are certain things beyond my grasp, that I am dreaming if I think I can 'make it'.
So the second half of my big post-college-freak-out was devoted to being okay with being ordinary/realizing that it's not such a big deal after all. That it's just pretty cool to bean independent, self-sufficient 'adult' (remind me how we define that one again? LOL). Or whatever.
But, for the moment anyway, I suddenly feel very different. Like you never know where you're really going til you get there, and you never can know what's in store. And that it might be pretty sweet. LAME, CLICHED, whatever, kiss my ass, it works for me. And people can tell you these things, but you can't KNOW it, internalize it, until you actually feel it. You know? (ha, that was a trick.)
Today I feel great. Like I could be great. Or that I don't have to be, whatever. Just whatever I want. Like I could be a teacher, a leader, an educator. Like I could be a kick-ass web designer (clearly need to work on that). Like I could be a writer, a creator, an illustrator. Like I could be the first woman AND Independent president (hey, you never know). Like I could rule. Like I could be the world.
Let's just hope it lasts.
—Lexi