"3-24-04 WARNING MIKE WHINING ABOUT THINGS: That awful choice was thrust into my face once again today. And once again something good turned into something bad. Perhaps you'd better start at the beginning. I had my midterm conference with my printmaking teacher today. His name is Krepps and I respect and appreciate him. So he gave me a really long talk during which he said he really liked my work so far. He thought that it was very "me" and that I've done a lot of interesting things. He said I had real potential as an artist. And it was geniune cos this guy's a real tough grader and cos he told me that he was only talking to me because he thought I had something and said he wouldn't waste his breath if he thought I didn't. The downside is this. He reminded me how difficult it is to make it as an artist. That I'll be competing with thousands of art students that graduate every year and that to even have a chance you have to pretty much live in the art building and work on art all the time. The whole thing really freaked me out and made me depressed. I already think I'm spending more time than I'd like to in the art building and I'm only there a few hours a day. So what did I do after that? Left class early and re-thought my life on the walk home. (*Note: I'm going to take a break and have lunch, I'll be right back.) I think that the great spirits were trying to tell me something. Trying to force a choice on me. Challenging me. Testing me even. They broke it down very simply. A: Become uptight and hardworking. Make as much art as I can and put as much effort as I can into it. If I did that I would "succeed," but we all know that I would also "fail." I wouldn't enjoy my daily life and I would have much less time for myself and my friends. It would be a very unnatural life for me. B: Let go completely. Enjoy life and enjoy the people I love. Work on art at my convinience. I would love my daily life, but would be constantly haunted by my lack of "achievement." I continued to reflect on this during my lunch (Faux Chicken Patty and Orange Soda) and I think I got somewhere. I knew I wanted both. The two halves. Duality. That's always been kind of my deal. It then ocurred to me that I was confronted with this choice as soon as I began to question my on week off week system. I wanted to abandon it completely or at least blur them together. Weaking both sides. But to stick with the system and divide the two even further would be the closest I could come to the perfect "solution." So I think that's the deal. At least for now. Given that the plan is to take today off. It was meant to be a day of reflection and recovery. Tomorrow I finish the on week with more intensity than ever. Perhaps next week do an on day to make up for it. Thank you spirits. Continue to work in your wise and mysterious ways."

I know that was an awful lot of stolen material to read, but I hope you were able to make it through it. If you don't read my cousin Mike's page on a daily or at least semi-regularly basis, I suggest that you do. You can view it here. Check out the news page for his journals. I feel that first of all his is so damn funny, this cannot be missed, and second of all that he often says things that I either have been thinking or going through or that I should think about. We live our lives very differently, but in many of the ways in which he goes about life I find myself hoping to be like him, at least in a way.

It's so easy for me to get caught up in others' expectations and the recipe for 'success' that mysteriously surfaces in my life. Mike's debate over his skills as an artist (which I was very happy to read, by the way; while I recognize that he produces far better work than do I in our shared printmaking class, I was excited to read that an outsider realizes his potential and takes the initiative to tell him; good for him) is a stark example of this and somewhat how I feel. Not that I have someone busy telling me I have 'potential' or whatever, but I'm not going to lie. I know I could do better at things if I tried. I know I have the capability in me to 'make' it somewhere and 'do' great things. The question is, what are these things, and if they're not the things I *really* want to do, why bother? A or B. On or Off. The Duality of All Things Considered. Is it more important to make myself happy through actions or accomplishments? Selections or successes?

I've spent so much of my life consumed with the end result. Did I get a 100 on that test. Could I make the 99th percentile on the PSAT. Did I get an 8 or higher on that vault. Can I get over 30' in the triple jump (hey, I'm short). It's all about success–or failure. It's all about the final word. And there's not necessarily anything wrong with this; it's not a bad way to go about life. But is it the best way?

And to go away from this, to do what I want and be happy and 'just hang out', that's hard to do, too. Like gymnastics. It was time to just 'hang out' and be happy to be in the sport and not put so much pressure on myself. It's what I love to do, after all, and there is no point to doing it if it makes me unhappy. And so I went to Nationals, I did my routines, and they were okay–not great, just okay. And I was okay with it. But the duality of all things–without those tears, there was little triumph. I did alright. I didn't do anything hard. I didn't look too stupid. I didn't do too great. But I did what I wanted to do, and I guess that's what I was striving for.

Mike doesn't mess around with this bullshit. He doesn't give people what they want. He doesn't do things to feed others' expectations. That does not mean he is not talented or smart. I know he is. But he is happy with what he does and doesn't let this 'pressure' to 'succeed' get him down.

I like my life. I'm happy in it. And all of this 'pressure' in design, school, wherever, well, I'm trying to get that to kiss my ass. Because, like I said, I know I am capable of this stuff. I just have to accept that, but at the same time accept that nothing is worth more to me than what comes from within. We'll just try this for awhile and see where it goes.