“Now is the time past believing / the child has relinquished the reign / Now is the test of the boomerang / tossed in the night of redeeming”
—Grateful Dead
“Alexis, you are the tick on the olive, sucking its blood!”
—Tom, 4/12/06
April 13 , 2006
Restoration Reclamation
time 12:21 pm feeling hungry wearing cool new spring shirt music nothing reading charmed thirds ready for luncH next lunch
Happy Easter. Early.I don't know if this is appropriate for lxforever or somewhere else more secure, but I'll put it here anyway. Warning, I fear this will be another one of those long whiny posts about nothing, so consider that. You've Been Warned.
I'm reading Charmed Thirds and finding it frightening how accurate Megan McCafferty's portrayal of love and loss and everything in between really is. (What may be more frightening in fact is my continual attachment to YA literature, especially of the Jessica Darling variety. Nevertheless...) Or at least how it is in your 'youth'. Now that I'm halfway through 24 on the way to 25 I feel somehow more qualified to reflect on that, and while I can't do so personally here for a variety of reasons, suffice it to say that I am still feeling so much better than I have in a long, long time.
Turning 24 was the best thing that happened to me this year. That sounds stupid to say, but it's almost like I can both quantify AND qualify how far I've come since, say, 22 or 21 or something. Which. Is dumb. Because, like, aren't you supposed to be done with all that crap by the time you are a big-shot college grad (ha. ha.)? Whatever, clearly my naivete precedes me yet again. But if being 24 can do this much for mental state and emotional maturity (or lack thereof---?), what but only good can come of the year after, and the next, and the next? This is what now keeps me sane and composed, when only a mere 12 months ago I would have been reduced to tears for fears. That I have so much to look forward to, and that it's okay to not know what that is, exactly, and that I've come so far amazes me. I am ever, ever so lucky.
If I could do it all over again, there a million things I'd change. I'm not the type of person to not have regrets, after all; moaning and brooding is indeed my specialty. But that doesn't mean I'm not grateful, or not recognizant (is that really a word?!) of why certain things had to be the way they were to get me where I am. If that makes sense. To quote another brooding, angsty teen, Nicole, in another lovely little YA gem, "Life is experience. There's no such thing as wasting time. You learn from everything you do." Sappy, yes, but let's be honest: that I am. (Sappy and whiny and nostalgic, that is.)
Amidst our nourishment, both of the Powerbook/Internet as well as tasty treats variety, at Panera on Sunday, Jeff and I got into a conversation about friends, loves, and turning loves into friends AKA How to Make a Giant Mess. As I've written about before, there is very little to restore my faith in repairing this particular sort of brokenNESS save for a few incidents. These few incidents, however, serve to the be the Restoration Hardware, or something, to my faith so completely and so honestly that their size or quantity or quality and such matters little. If only everything were that easy.
Because I have no skills at waiting, I have of course skipped ahead in Charmed Thirds to somewhat sate my intense curiosity and settle my questioning mind as to JD's future. This indeed serves me well, for Jessica herself has such problems at the forefront of the tumult of college/relationships/college relationships, no doubt, and it makes me feel less strange somehow. I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but suffice it to say I've never identified with her so much as I do now. Life is so complicated when you let it be, and there's no answer but to ask the questions. That sounds lame, "T-shirt wisdom" if you will, ha, but it's true. Sometimes the truth is lame, I guess. (As am I, haha.)
Since I am such an internet stalker, I have been perusing what other (albeit much younger and TBH ergo somewhat less wise) fans have said regarding the book, and in the LJ community one person wrote, "it broke my heart when she was talking about not contacting hope in a year and a half because i know how that happens with old friends." Yeah. You're not kidding. And reading the part about Bridget and Percy reminds me why I so adore the relationship Katy and Rob have. Like Bridget and Percy, they restore my faith in all things so seemingly complex.
And as for Easter. I'm not like a huge Easter fan in case you didn't know. I'm such a jerk, but what can you do, right? Ha. At least my Mom's bday is tomorrow, happy early birthday Mom! Anyway. On the scale of TG and Christmas, Easter cannot even begin to compare when it comes to cominghome/homecoming, but at least now I know for a few, anyway, it does indeed mean a moment to reflect and reconnect. And for that, for those people who get to, I am happy.
I have no idea what any of that meant.
—Lexi