Things are going at a crazy pace, and every day something better happens. Okay, so I don't have a job lined up. Calm down everyone. I will be just fine. So I don't have a set, perfect plan like I did this time four years ago. Fine. You have NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, comrades! I am perfectly capable! It will be OK! But that's not what's mattering right now

We're putting up the senior show, we're taking down our old work, we're getting together our capstones and caps and whatever the hell else kind of crap is expected of us at this point. It's pretty damn cool. (Even if I think I left the Goldstein unlocked last night...shh, don't tell!) It's like, I KNOW everyone is super busy and pressed for time and under the gun and all of that, but still they come in and work on the show, support classmates at capstones, give a hand where you need it (and you know what I'm talking about!). I am pretty damn impressed.

Yesterday frickin' ruled. After talking to the abhorred Krepps about my print, and having him be all interested and weird about it, I was very happy with the snake and houses I was producing for my last litho. Couple this with skipping photo/getting ready for Capstone with Kristin, my beloved roommate, and you've got yourself a good day plus one. Then I head over to Capstone land, and that was awesome. Rachel was first, so I got to shake it out. Then all of my friends PLUS my cousin Mike came PLUS Alyssa skipped class PLUS my family PLUS Carol and Jasper (even though of this I was frightened), so I was very excited. A captivated crowd I had (or, well, forced them to be). I don't want to get pompous again here, like I did after portfolio review, but I can't help it, as the best way to sum it up is this (what I said after I left portfolio review sophomore year): I kicked ass. Whatever.

Hell yes. I love speaking to people because they are FORCED to pay attention to ME. Hah. Anyway enough of that. Then my Dad asked me some really smart, really cool questions and I liked that very much. Then Little Kristin went and SHE totally kicked ass, she's just so damn professional. I can't wait to see her take on the world in grad school. It is only fitting that Little K went right after me. She was the first person I met at the U, way back when we were in HS (oh yeah, 'cause we're OH SO OLD, anyway), with her leather jacket and pink eyeshadow ("I do NOT wear pink eyeshadow!" –Kristin) and bad-assedness and all.

Holy shit, this is already the longest update ever and I haven't even gotten to the good stuff. Oh well, deal or scroll down, whatever. So yeah, that all said I want to thank wholeheartedly everyone that came to support me. It made it MUCH easier and MUCH more fun, and especially thanks to my parents who drove here JUST for that! Thank you!!

Then I had the pleasure of showing a junior my work as she prepares for her Capstone, what a smartie of her for starting early. And chitchatting with Kate and James and Babs about my grades was very exciting as well, they loved hearing about the comic. I told them what they were in it, Babs was happy she was not a crab. Hah! Then I had the satisfaction of showing Jeff that I did not in fact wreck any of his work while placing it in the show and such (although we had to remedy the poor attention to the devilish business system, whoops). And then I finally found the lights in the stairwell and that was cool. Why? Don't ask questions, I think stupid things are cool sometimes.

THEN I had the joy of being taken to Perry's Pizza, Mike's hangout, by Jeff to celebrate the end of this Walking Man adventure/the show being almost done/finding the lights, whatever the hell you want to call it. So obviously I was thinking about Michael, having seen him twice yesterday already and being at Perry's and talking about his second pornographic litho and all. So who should we see as we're leaving, walking down the street? Yes, Drums and his gfriend Karen, I was very excited. It was a sign. I had seen him three times and the last it seemed as though I had conjured him out of my mind. I take this as a sign that staying in MN ("University of MIKE!" –Michael, spring 2002) was the right decision (sorry Mom).

WHICH brings me to this point...the things that have been running through my head since yesterday or last week or anytime and have led to this update (although it is quite already a novel of its own right): I hated being here so much when I started. If you're bored or desperate (not for sex, just desperate for information), go back and read the old journals. "Everything's all right up here / if I come down / I'll be coming home next year" played out on the radio and tears filled my eyes just thinking about it. "Don't wish your life away," my mom told me as I dramatized about my longing for May of 2004. "You'll be sorry later." Don't wish your life away indeed. You will be sorry alright. And now here I am, and two more weeks and that's it, and we're out and about and free of this 'prison' (as I called it once upon a high school time) forever.

Am I ready? I have to be, so I guess so. But do I want to be? I came here I wore my red shoes I thought that would help I thought anything would help this is your new life this is your new home this is your new life these are your new classmates this is your new life these are your new halls this is your new life this is your new life and all I wanted was to come home...home. Walked into that freshman seminar room with the long white tables and the forever locked windows and the creepy two-way mirror window thing..."before we get started, I'd like to ask if there's anyone behind there watching us," I asked, pointedly, admittedly annoying already. I wouldn't take I don't know for an answer I said, I wanted, WE wanted to know...Brad already had his hands full with me, starting from day one. No wonder he was so taken aback in the years to come. Did we call him Dr. Hokanson? But we called Louise Louise that morning. Did that mean anything? I didn't know anyone and it was scary there was Sarah look up I knew I could talk to her I knew I could tell her things I knew she would understand…even though I hardly knew her at all. There was Sarah and we followed each other up to the desk defending our colors defending each other laying out the pattern we would understand for the years to come yellow her boyfriend in South Dakota her eyes right through mine it was scary but there was Sarah and I knew I would be safe...it had to start somewhere; I had to start somewhere. And Kristin...my 'mom' from the start, that class with Steven we had visited, that shining eyes Minnesota nice girl no one knew me but Kristin wanted to Kristin? With two i's from Minnesota reaching out trying to reach me Kristin wanted to Kristin tried Kristin was there with her big bright eyes Kristin who wouldn't take shit from anyone Kristin wanted to her leather jacket her almost-fiancee let out into nowhere no one knew me but Kristin cared...and that was where I started, too. I hated it, I wanted to come home, I cried every weekend, I came home every weekend, I hated that Ange girl with her smoke and friends and disgusted looks, I hated those girls because of the way they looked at me Kristin took care of me Sarah listened AK picked me out to make me tell jokes and I couldn't believe someone with the shiny blue pants from California would notice would talk to me and then I had to move...somewhere I belonged. With the girls I belonged to, with people I could trust things started to look better winter spring summer crying when I came back..."I miss my friends." Walking down the hall to start our sophomore year and the first face I saw was AK I screamed I ran down the hall I threw myself into her arms I walked in to my new special life with KLAA and my place as the chosen one of Kristin and Alyssa and I knew I was lucky...I still count myself as chosen and lucky when it came to them. Twist in and out intwine out minds out of your mind you must be out of your mind could you really belong here? I still wanted out I still wanted to graduate early I still joked about my graduation application being in for May 2002 as my credits stacked up and my longing for the end rose but then came being a junior and finally getting it, finally getting in, getting over it, getting somewhere without the red shoes without staring past Ange's smoke without being so hung up and strung up and strung out and stuck and now here I am and I belong, every moment and fiber of the past four years belonged, ups and downs and inbetweens, the places I found with classmates, with teachers, with these brilliant, unwavering minds I grabbed hold of and never wanted to let go...never want to let go. But most importantly, with friends.

So, Madison always comes first, but thank YOU, Minnesota, for giving me somewhere to find and be found. (And heck yeah for ripping off of the senior show, I just rule or something.) I'm a pretty lucky girl, as always. Ah yes. You too.