"How annoying and DUMB." "Is this about communism?" ---Diana, 4/27/03, during church...hahaha, yeah, we're really good Catholics

"I'm not the only soul who's / accused of hit and run / tire tracks all across your back / I can see you had your fun / but darling can't you see my signals turn from green to red? / it was you I could see a traffic jam / straight up ahead..." ---Hendrix

April 28, 2003
All The Things She Said

time 5:21 pm feeling insane reading nothing wearing blue leo for Blue Monday music Hendrix, I'm wishing it were summer ready for anything ELSE next gymnastics!

This will be fast. I shouldn't even be updating but school has once again set me into panic mode. What a horrible feeling. I just have to remind myself that in two weeks (two weeks!) this feeling will no longer exist and I will be home for summer.

Everyone is too damn good, it's driving me insane. I don't know what happened to me. There were a semester there, six months maybe, where I finally felt like I truly belonged in design, like I was probably a good designer. Now, no more. All that confidence to nowhere. I am not sure what happened. Now, I am a confident person, don't get me wrong. And I have gotten almost everything I've tried for, so I should keep that in mind, too. But this semester blew me apart. I've been turning in crap, not working hard enough, and associating with people that are infinitely more visually minded and passionate than I am, and now here I am. Now I feel like I'm just getting by, like people look at me and think, "WTF is she doing here?" Not that I'm not creative or whatever, but I just don't care enough and just don't give enough. Like I'm taking it for granted, and not pushing myself hard enough. Does that make sense? I don't know. I haven't felt so out of sorts in a long time.

And maybe it's just today. I am done with the majority of my design work, da da da, and now refuse to change it simply because I don't want to do anymore work for those classes. I have other things to do. But again with the refusal to learn things, the brattiness against change! I had never in my life thought of myself as someone who 'does not work to her potential' until now. What a strange and bad thought. But true.

And this one more project, it just keeps coming. I keep thinking, if I can get THIS under control...if I can get THAT under control...control, control, control! I remember writing an email to Jenny fairly recently wherein I said 'I feel really in control right now, it is a very good feeling.' That's a scary sentence. You have to wonder about someone like that...that SOMEONE being ME. And once it gets OUT of control, then I panic, and then get it under control, then not, etc. It's a viscious cycle. And here I am, wishing I were an underachiever but that's what I've BECOME, an underachiever. It just doesn't make sense; this isn't me. So then what is?

AAAGH! I thought some 'dinner' or whatever would improve my mood, but having vodka in my orange juice would have helped immensely and I am now finding that honey and computers do not mix. Bah. i just have to get it all out, sweat it all out, and be done. But that's what I've been doing, and here I am, turning in stupid crap that could have been done by a freshman. Way to go Lex. SUCKS.

Off to gymnastics. Maybe that'll ease my mind. That or going back to no sleeping.

---Lexi