"where is my comfort zone? / a simple place to call my own / everything I want to be / comes crashing down on me"

–from 105.5 this morning

July 30, 2003
While You Were Out

time 8:35 am feeling WHO KNOWS these days!!! reading nothing wearing red music not even going there ready for rewinding next party for Marie

I haven't updated in forever so this means that everything might just come pouring out. It's almost August, that makes me want to throw up. No, that's a lie (the first one, I mean). I did write some between July 1 and today, but things were so disjointed that none of them were meant to be put on the web anyway. It's so frustrating because nothing makes sense and I just want my mind to shut up shut up shut UP! All day at work it starts creeping in, day in and out it's up and down, it's like this rollercoaster of doubt and desire pulling at my thoughts and playing with my head. I wish I could be less conscious!

It's been a good time but not quite the happy-go-lucky summer one might think. I feel like all of a sudden things are spinning out of control, like I am watching things spiral away and I don't know how to feel about that. Of course I panic, of course I strain to stay in control, but at the same time I just let it fly away and it is in a way kind of fascinating to watch things drift and wonder how they will settle.

I've always known what I wanted and where I wanted to be. I want to be 'successful', I have the horrible drive to be 'good' at whatever I do, I want to impress people. But now it's like, who the hell cares?! If it doesn't make me happy, then nothing will. If I don't make myself happy, nothing will. I feel like I should have waited four years to go to school or something because right now I feel like I should have when I did leave for college. I like what I'm doing but I don't know, I don't know. I don't know if it really is for me (good work Lex, one year away from diploma. WAY TO GO!!! Good God.). I feel like I should know what I have planned or I'll never get anywhere but I don't know what I want to plan or where I might be. I don't want to 'go along to get along' but I don't want to drift either. It's again this horrible drive to impress - but who? Why should it matter?!

Shut up shut up shut up! I can't get it to stop! This is partially why I am addicted to running, swimming, biking, etc., anything of movement, it releases those endorphins and busies my mind with worrying about my body so it can't worry about itself. Hah. Or something. The closer I get to this end the harder I am slammed with reality. And there's no reason to worry of course, but I do.

Alright, enough. There is a lot going on these next few days here, this weekend is Mason reunion time. YEAH BABY. GET YOUR SHIELD, 'TEACH'. Stephie is even here!!! Thank God for that. Then hopefully Great America on Tuesday (I have been dreaming of this, real rollercoasters are better than mental ones!) and this Kaisa wedding thing the next weekend. And I've done a lot and been many places but hell, I am at work so this is 100% bad. Please forgive this update and ask no questions. I appreciate it. Ciao.

---Lexi