“...still I guess I salute you / for tryin' // But, / You make it too hard / You make it too hard, You make it too hard / You make it too hard / You make it too hard // Well you just might / get it just right / but that could take too long / so I'll stand by all the things that I get wrong. // You made it too hard / You made it too hard / You made it too hard.”
—Mark McAdam, Too Hard
August 7, 2006 (8/7/6)
Paved Paradise
time 9:33 pm feeling sad wearing eye shirt, red shorts music Grey's reading ??? ready for validation next ...oh who knows these days
I don't even know how to explain it. It's hard, because I can't write about it here, for obvious reasons, but I've just never felt this way, so betrayed and so disappointed and so angry all at once, about something that should be so static and cold, clipped and clean, detached. I knew this was happening, I saw it coming, but I still wasn't—AM NOT—ready. What happened?
At least with gymnastics it was personal. At least with school it was self-induced! All of the nights of crying and anger and frustration were for something, meant something, at least to me. And, really, in the end, that's all that matters.
This is when it helps to remember all of those comments and compliments I held as fluff and circumstance close, to realize they were real, new and old and far and near. Smartness may also not guarantee an extraordinary life, but I'm not who I am for nothing, and you can be damn sure I'm not going to forget that. But now what?
I guess you just keep on truckin'. Keep on keepin' on. What else can you do? Where else can you go? You know?
That's all. It's too hard.
.....
Christie just came over and we worked on a really cool project but I have to keep it secret!! She made me the best cookies and they are sitting in my fridge ready to be devoured, along with brownies I just made and tons of other lovely foods. What a healthy night. I don't even care. I just need to get through this. Stupid stupid stupid.
Hopefully soon I'll have news.
—Lexi